Depression

I am blessed! God knew I was meant to raise boys! He was right!!!!!! I love you!

January 2008. It's just another January. I'm not feeling so good, tired, my thoughts just aren't there...kind'a foggy like. It's a week past my 'time of the month' and I'm not really thinking too much about it. Damen 's 11 months old and I'm still breastfeeding. He was always such a great nurser! I start craving ice cream at midnight. I'm thinking, CRAP! The ONLY time I have this craving is when I'm pregger's :) I let a week go by and nothing...uuuuuuuggggggggggggg! I finally take the test. It's positive! I'm thinking NO WAY. NO WAY. Our third was only 11 mths old and I'm pregnant with the 4th! We did our usual and told family and let the boys know that another Burney baby was on it's way. They were so excited! The only thing B said was, "I hope it's another boy." The pregnancy went on like all the other's, just normal. I was sicker than a DOG! I'm always sick with my pregnancies and I hate it...blah!!!

I have my usual blood work done at 18 weeks gestation. I have never gotten a call back.....till now. The Dr. calls and tells me that they think the baby (Deven) has Downs Syndrome and that I need to see a specialist to have more testing done. I balled and balled and balled. I called Nevon at work and told him. RIGHT then and there we decided that NO MATTER WHAT he was our baby and I would still carry this baby to term and he will be ours. There was NO other decision, he is our child. We had to wait a month till I had an ultrasound with a specialist. I had to go alone, Nev got off work but we were so new in College Station and we just didn't have anyone close to us or the boys who we could leave the boys with for the day. I drove all this way, by myself, as strong as I could be. They gave me two options, BEFORE we even knew if the baby had Downs for sure. We could carry to term and take care of the baby OR terminate it. Terminate, really....at 4 mths along? NO. NO. NO. They stuck me in this small, dark room, with a speciality Dr. and explained to me what they were going to look for. I was balling and balling and balling. I'm pregnant with my 4th child, 20 weeks along. Folks, when you are pregger's with your 4th and you are 20 weeks along, you are already feeling baby moving inside you. SO, he does the ultrasound and finds nothing wrong. NOW, remember ultrasounds are not 100%. They give me the option to have an amniocentious done to see if he had Downs. Nev and I had already decided that if 'it' did have it we didn't care and an Amnio was OUT of the question. Yes, I found out during this ultrasound that I was pregger's with my FOURTH boy!!! Deven was born, a month early and was a healthy baby boy :o)

Depression. What is depression? I can tell you what I went through with depression. I, like everyone else, knew what it was but I didn't KNOW what it was till..........one day in May 2008. I started panicking, I was freaking out. I thought to myself, how in the hell am I going to take care of four kids? What am I going to do for the summer with all these kids? ME? I couldn't figure out why I felt this way or why I was having these thoughts. I would have a panic attack and call my Dr's nurse asking her to calm me down. I had never felt this way, I had my boys at home with me and I was pregnant with my fourth baby. I didn't know what to do or who do talk to. It didn't take long for me to tell Nevon the anxiety I was having. God bless my husband. He was right there beside me the whole time, the WHOLE TIME. I'm not going to go into my thoughts at the time. This was the first time I had ever felt this way and so far the only time. I was in a dark place in my life. I took the advice of my OB Dr and talked to a therapist. Did it help me, YES IT DID. It helped me through. The one thing my therapist wanted me to do was talk to my friends and family member's. She told me that I need to talk to them and let them know what I was going though. She said that talking about the issue would make it better. I confided in a couple of you and you know who you are. A couple of you know my deepest thoughts and one of you is the only person I talked to during my darkest moments. My husband is the best man. He is more of a man than any of you know. I know this man better than anybody on this earth. There is no man better than Nevon.

Nevon is the most self sufficient, honest, BRAVE, hard working, did I say Brave ;o), loving, best damn father EVER EVER and the most wonderful man and husband. That man has never asked for a hand out EVER EVER EVER and didn't need one. THIS is the kind of man I want my boys to be. Nevon has the pride and courage of a lion. My boys are lucky to have him as their father. I will stop here cause I'm already crying :o).....happy tears :)

Depression, I know what depression is. You can not fight it on your own. I was terrified to tell anyone, I was afraid. You'd be surprised to know this but when I was at my worst was when my in-laws were in town for the week. We spent the week in San Antonio, this was their first visit to TX since we got relocated there. I was a mess. I was a mess. I was a mess. I wanted to confide in my wonderful mother-n-law so bad, and my wonderful husband wanted me to as well, but I was just too scared. There were two times that I almost told you, Alice, but I just couldn't.

I did it. I finally told someone what I was feeling. They got it, they understood me! It was ok, to tell. I tell you what, it took so much off me, talking to someone about my depression. I'm not going to go into my thoughts, and why I thought I was having thoughts like that. What I will tell you is this. If you are ever having feelings like this, tell someone. Talk about it. Talk about it. Talk about it. I wish I hadn't been so ashamed and talked about 'it' sooner.

Deven Nicholas Burney was born on Sept. 4th. ONE of the happiest days of my life :o)!!!!! I am blessed. I am blessed with love from friends and family. I am blessed!

I haven't had 'those' feelings since that long summer in College Station. I can sit here and try to tell you why I had depression at that time in my life? You can't do that with drepression. Talk to someone, talk to someon, talk to someone. Confide in them. Get help, you don't have to do this alone and you are NOT alone. I'm telling my story so that it might help another person.